Hati Remuk

There are many happenings in my life for the past few months. I didn't blog about many things for past few months too. I thought I can do delayed-entries later. Simply because, I think it is important for me put records somewhere.

But, after some HUHA that happened in my life lately, I feel like closing this blog. Recently when I read my previous entries, aku rasa sebak giler. (I even crying while typing this). All these while, things that I wrote, were things that happened in FRONT of me. Rupa-rupanya there were things that happened BEHIND me. Should I get to know earlier, those entries surely will be different or may not even exist.

I am type of person who like to talk about things. If I can't talk, I'll write. Simpan-simpan tak berapa gemar. For sure I wish I can talk or write about what happened. But till now, I find it very difficult to do so. At one time, I feel like I should talk to someone, at another time, I feel like I better not. At one time, I feel like I should publish it here, another time my another self telling me "Don't you dare!" So here am I. Typing this pathetic-what-the-hell-pompuan-ni-is-talking-about entry, feeling stupid and sad all over.

Now I understand, why some people feel the need to close their blog, or at least start a new one.

I promise myself that I want to start fresh. I don't want to be sad anymore. I desperately want to be the-happy-Nomi again. Those things that happened has already happened. Nothing I can do about it now. I promise myself, I should concentrate on current and future issues. There are so much to do now anyway.

But...... Can I?

Can I just forget it? Can I just move on? What if it happens again? Do I just press the 'reset' button and start fresh?

I keep asking myself.... why?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

No one could answer me. Even the one who knows the answer, will not answer me. My heart bleeding.

Orang kata 'masa menyembuh luka'. Kalau begitu, biar lah masa ni cepat berlalu.

... and this entry is going nowwhere.

Choices

There were some signs

I ignored them

I refused to believe

But I never forget them

Until they are too much to ignore

I have to accept

Things are happening

.

There are 3 choices

But they are not mine to make

So, please choose wisely

I. Beg. You

Please........

Moga ada Hikmah

It started with a problem that leads to many other problems.

There was supposed to be a discussion to sort those problems – if not to solve them.
But some people refused to discuss – they are beyond that stage.
The failed discussion leads to arguments – ugly ones.
Arguments built tension – became more intense as hours passed.
Tension created eruption – rarely seen.

There were people scolding, shouting, pushing and punching.
There were knifes.
There were policemen.
There were people crying.
There were neighbours looking.

At the end
A father disowned his only son.
A mother’s heart broke into million pieces.
A daughter hoping for ‘hikmah’.

It was a terrible weekend.

How was yours?

Ramadhan dah Pergi, Syawal di Sini

Malam Raya aku rasa sayu semacam. Teringat Ramadhan yang dah aku tinggalkan (atau yang meninggal kan aku?) Bila aku ingat-ingat balik tentang pengisian Ramadhan aku tahun ni? Sikit sangat... hampir takde…. yelek…. zero…. Baru la masa tu aku rasa sedih.

Ditambah pulak, within the last week of Ramadhan, tiga orang yang aku kenal pergi menemui Tuhan. Sorang 20-an, sorang 40-an dan sorang 60-an. Sorang akibat kanser, sorang akibat strok dan sorang akibat kanser & strok – sekali dua. Tak terbayang aku kesedihan ibu-bapa, adik beradik, suami, isteri, anak-anak & cucu-cucu yang akan menyambut hari raya dalam beberapa hari saja lagi masa tu.

Aku? Apa yang aku buat? Malam raya baru rasa insaf! Baru terkenang-kenangkan Ramadhan yang melambai pergi.

Entah kan sempat entahkan tidak aku bertemu Ramadhan tahun depan.

Bulan Syawal pun dah datang. Bulan untuk kita kunjung mengunjung, memohan dan memberi kemaafan. Harap-harap aku tak malas untuk mengambil kesempatan bulan Syawal ni. Mana tahu aku tak sempat bertemu Syawal tahun depan?

Poor Her

I was on duty last Friday. I had a late dinner at the coffee house.

There was this one young girl served me with drinks & food and clearing my plates from time to time. I did not recognize her – maybe a new staff. Didn’t even bother to ask for her name or looked at her name tag. Since there were not many guests left in the coffee house, she stationed herself near my table only.

The next morning, a staff personal file was sent to my office. It was reported that the staff had an accident.

It was the very same girl.

She was on her way back from work when the hit & run incident took place. She died on the spot!

Poor girl. She is only 19 years old.

[Al-Fatihah]

And that bloody driver who knocked her and run – S.T.O.P, is the least you can do la idiot!

Dua Hengget Tujuh Posen?

I was on my way to pick-up Aiman at Batu 3, Shah Alam. Hujan gile lebat. Federal Highway from far dah nampak kereta bumper to bumper. At a very last minute, Che Man decided to melencong masuk jalan dalam. I got irritated coz I know, the road towards JVC roundabout is usually teruk also and the route is further. Somemore he is driving very fast. Lagi lebat hujan, lagi laju pulak. It is like racing with the rain. At least at Federal Highway, the car is moving slowly and the route is shorter (to Batu 3).

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That is when we heard from radio about the fuel price will be increased by RM0.78 / l.

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We were like... what????.....

.

Sampai rumah pun we argued about whether or not Che Man should join the q. Please la, baru 2 hari lepas isi full tank. Not worth it to q for so long, ended up with stress, & masa yang terbuang. Dalam pada beratur tu, minyak guna jugak. Lain la memang dah masa nya untuk isi minyak kan?

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At the end, Che Man dengan berat hati tak pergi isi minyak pun. Ngeh! ngeh! ngeh!

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Actually, the whole time I was a bit depressed with the news. We made a quick calculation and we became more depressed.

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Our budget is already very tight now.

Next month, we will start paying for the house loan.

The next 2 months, my younger sister gonna get married.

The next 3 months, my son's insurance premium is due.

Next 4 months is raya.

Next 5 months car insurance due.

.

And this petrol thingy will be reviewed monthly? (Correct me if I'm wrong).

.

If it goes up to RM4 per liter, how laaaa????

.

This will affect my job performance also. How you ask? I am doing tender for food items. I am talking about raw materials for all the kitchens. The main objective is to cut cut cut and announce how much saving we can expect from this exercise. Now, how to cut from the current prices la? Suppliers will call me bodo if I insist kan? Habis la aku.

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My mind went brainstormed:

1. Che Man naik motor la. Biar aku bawak keta. Tapi kena hantar Aiman dulu, pas tu patah balik ke hotel. Balik nanti ambik dia dulu, pas tu terus balik rumah. Che Man pulak maybe terperangkap dalam hujan somewhere somehow. Kulit pastu nya akan lebih 'terang'.
2. Tak leh stay back kat office. Balik kena masak. To try our best not to dine out or beli food. Penat la aku nanti. Masak sendiri ni paham-paham jer la. Preparationnya, masanya, cleaning nya. Ishk!
3. Change of brands. Kena la beli barang-barang from generic brands. Selalu nya murah sket tapi kena compromise quality (betul ke? recommendation?)
4. Cari kerja lain. Yang boleh bagi gaji better than this one. Boleh ke minta naik gaji just because fuel price has increased?
5. Kurang kan entertainment. Our budget for entertainment sekarang pun bukan banyak sangat. Maybe kena tukar type of entertainment la.

Yang lain-lain, aku tak leh nak pikir lagi.

Penat la struggling.

Untuk Mengelakan Blog Berabuk

…… aku kena update la kan?

This entry is supposedly about Aiman’s birthday parties (yes… we had two birthday parties for him) but I don’t think I have enough time to blog about it now.

So…. later la.

Yesterday Che Man & I took annual leave. We brought Aiman to see a specialist / surgeon. Finally we decided to face the reality that Aiman is actually having a problem (or has potential?).

Bad news.

An operation is advised to be scheduled as soon as possible.

My poor baby.

I can’t imagine him on operation table, being cut with a sharp knife, needled & wired here and there.

* nak nangis…..*

One-Year-Old Baby with Blue-Black Forehead

Last night, at around 12 something, Che Man & I sang “Happy Birthday” song to Aiman. Aiman also took part by dancing away. My baby is 1 year old today. He is no more baby, but a toddler (Ye ker?).

Penat Che Man membuainya tidur malam tadi, but when he transferred him to bed, Aiman woke-up. It was already one-something in the morning and both of us were very sleepy already. In fact we have not had any good sleep since last week coz Aiman sleeps very late; 2am to 3am. Sleep-deprived parents last night tried to ignore Aiman but he had threatened to jump out of the bed few times. Afraid of the same incident like this one, I took him out of the room and put him into his buaian and buai him while sitting on the sofa. It was around 2.20am.

Suddenly I felt like the buaian is jerking hard and simultaneously I heard bunyi bedebuk.

I got-up in panic and found Aiman on the floor. Face down.

Aku beristighfar loudly in disbelieve. I picked him up and hugged him. He was crying very loud.

I inspected his hands and legs. They look normal. Aiman was still crying loudly.

I switched on the light. Only then I saw his forehead swollen. Not only swollen, it has scratches too! OMG!

I was really panic.

I shouted for Che Man who didn’t seem to be affected by the loud cries from Aiman. I had to slap his shoulder to wake him up. I told him about Aiman jatuh buaian and all he said was “Awak tertidur ke?”. Question that only made me angry.

Angry to myself coz tetidur. Angry to myself coz forgot to fasten the safety pin for the buaian.

I looked at the wall clock and realized, I only slept for few minutes. But in those crucial few minutes, I had caused Aiman pain and shocks.

I felt horrible.

While Aiman still crying I insisted to tuam his forehead. He finally dozed off. His body damp with sweats. Maybe because he cried so much. I took another 30 minutes to make sure the swollen area subside by continue tuam his head. After that I inspected his whole head and found there is another area but covered by his hairs. Now I remember he had fallen onto the buaian’s base. The square base made from steel where the screws in the middle part had left scratches on his head. My poor baby.

(I was tempted to snap photo of his swollen forehead, but I didn’t do it)

Before I went back to sleep, I asked forgiveness from him for my carelessness. I pray for the damage to stop there. Hopefully he has no other injury.

This morning, he woke up as usual; asking for milk and change of diaper. After finishing his 7oz of milk, he stood up and did his little dance to the birthday song I sang to him.

Happy 1st Birthday Aiman Nuruddin.

I am sorry that you will have to celebrate your special day with swollen and blue-black forehead.

I can’t wait to go home today. I’ll make it up to you baby.

Sob! Sob!

Camera aku rosak!

Benci!

Bersusah payah aku carik warranty card camera tu. Nasib baik jumpa. Bulan depan warranty expires. Nasib baik.

Tapi takde original receipt pulak. Dah bagi kedai tu masa claim free photos dulu agaknya.

Camna ni? Belasah jer lah.

The next day aku gi jer kedai tu.

Since Che Man ada conflict ngan pekedai tu dulu (long story... I tell you), I asked him just wait for me at some kopitiam. Aku cuma nak gi hantar camera for repair, bukan nak gaduh. He.. He...

AT THE SHOP

Aku : Saya beli camera ni awal tahun kat sini. Semalam tetiba dia rosak. Gambar bergaris-garis. Gambar yang ambil sebelum semalam, elok pulak.

Pekedai : (Checked warranty card aku. Nasib baik dia tak minta receipt. Checked camera) Ada jatuh kan ker?

Aku : Takde! Takde! (Betul… tak tipu)

Pekedai : Well… jatuh tak jatuh is not for us to say kan?

Aku : (WTF?). Tell me how am I going to prove it to you that camera ni tak pernah jatuh? (nada suara dah tinggi sket)

Pekedai : Ok. Ok. I’ll give you receipt lah. Nanti dah siap we all call.

Aku : Good. How long will it takes?

Pekedai : Two months.

Aku : Hah? (Terkejut beruk). Why so long? (Mata aku terbuntang)

Pekedai : First dia orang akan assess whether this is due to your negligence. (Part ni aku hangin betul la) Then, they need to determine the real problem. Order spare parts, repair, yada. yada. yada. yada.

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Sebal lah rasa hati aku tak de camera for 2 months. Terlepas la birthday aku, birthday Che Man and anniversary kita orang. Silap-silap terlepas hari jadi Aiman sekali. Itu belum lagi aksi-aksi spontan si Aiman. Sob! Sob!

I tried to talk to Che Man about getting a new one. Member geleng kepala jer. Tak merasa la nampaknya.

By the way, ini lah rupa nya gambar Aiman guna camera rosak tu. Nampak kat sini not so bad, but sometimes teruk betul lines tu. Sampai gambar pun senget-senget.

Aiman favorite past time - showing off his teeths.

Another two are making their way out from the top.

Hati Sedang Risau

When I first receive the news, I was excited and anxious about it. I can 'see' a bright light enveloped the news. I waited for weekend to come anxiously.

At the end of weekend, I was a bit frustrated, that thing was not so smooth - even though I expected it already. May be I was too hopeful.

I gave myself another chance few days later. It ended-up alright but I know I should worry about another thing that bothering me for so long. Should we take action earlier there is no need for us to worry about. Now... is it too late? I tried to be positive and went ahead anyway.

This morning, I got the result. I am frustrated now. I know it’s coming and it has come. A reality that someone has tried to postpone too often. There is no need to get angry with someone. I had reminded this someone to settle it too many times already. Someone got to learn a lesson.

Che Man told me there is Plan B. He is working on it but it is not so promising. Despite the frustration that eating me inside out, I am still hopeful that we can still solve this problem as soon as possible. Key word : ‘as soon as possible’.

But what if we failed? What are the other alternatives? Should I just forget about it?

Maybe I am over reacting. I can't help it. Hati sedang risau.

Kambing Hitam

I never thought something like this would happen to my family. Did not pay much attention to one of the country's current scandals. Was shocked to know that we now part of it.

Scapegoat, we are.

You can pull our legs. You can threaten us. You can make us suffer. Surrender? No way!

Berani kerana benar.

Dear family, be strong. We are together and together we will.

'Tuhan,

Ku pohon, kau permudahkan perjalanan ini.

Ku pohon, kau kuat kan hati kami.

Ku pohon, kau hadirkan kami kawan-kawan sejati.

Ku pohon, yang bersalah dihukum, yang teraniaya terbela"

Amin

Sebak....

........ sepanjang hari disebabkan kisah ni. Bergenang air mata.....

*Al-Fatihah*

Update (22/9/07):
It is difficult to read newspaper today. My eyes blury with tears.